Friday, October 30, 2009

Field Report

Just a quick sci-fi piece I did a few weeks back, for a discussion on alien perspectives of humanity.

Most worthy and honorable [saints] of the council, it is my solemn wish that this annual report shall prove to be free from arrogance. For the duration of the past [16.52 years], I have endeavored to perform suitably as a replacement for my former master. It is with fearful humility that I find myself forced to challenge his conclusions with regards to the sentience-supporting planet [Earth]'s primary species of interest.

As the superior members of the council are surely aware, [humans] are classified as an inferior non-[murderous] gatherer species. My predecessor initially declared that humanity was composed of numerous sub-species, which dwell together in groups; he believed this was why they had been able to form a [false] civilization which allows them to advance without the aid of [blessed extraterrestrial enslavers] in a similar fashion to [untranslatable name 1] and the [untranslatable name 2]. However, our fact-auditor invalidated this conclusion after translating the human's records regarding their own genetic information. Upon his retirement, my former master's final report thus theorized that humans are instead obeying the will of hive minds which communicate to them via a medium our outpost's sensors were incapable of monitoring.
He believed that human brains themselves had the secondary function of receiving and generating these signals, which explains the abnormal levels of energy they require to operate- [20 watts] for adults, a full 20% of their daily energy consumption. I hereby pronounce this theory to be without merit. My dutiful observations, aided by the continued maturation of our translation programs, have forced me to adopt a new hypothesis using data we previously assumed to be erroneous.

It is with reluctant confidence that I declare humans to be individually capable of adopting multiple [identities]. For example, it is considered normal for a single individual to be capable of simultaneously fulfilling all [parental] roles while also serving as a resource-gatherer and a resource manager. They have no need for [mental purging] rituals, and can even spontaneously develop new [selves] when placed in new situations. This results in an incredible resistance to [paradox breakdowns], as reflected by the strength of a typical human's [sense of humor]; the range of stimuli types their minds can derive [amusement] from is extraordinarily broad. Nor is this the limit of this species' adaptibility.

Recent translations of humanity's records regarding their own species conclusively indicate that they are capable of naturally developing [unnatural] selves in a conscious response to paradigm shifts created by their own advances in technology. Despite their nature as inferior gatherers, upon developing primitive [weapons] humanity immediately began to utilize them to simulate the nature of a [murderous] species, becoming predators of superior organisms. This artificial role developed despite a complete absence of [divine intervention], and we have identified hundreds more that have appeared since. Our [role enforcer] has already declared that this includes multiple [warrior] roles, and that the majority of them do not conform to any known classifications; [he] expects similar results in other areas. It may hypothetically be possible to declare that every human's identities are in fact unique, similar to that of other humans but lacking anything inherently identical.

Because of this capability, human [society] appears to be several orders of magnitude more complex than anything previously encountered. They seem to be capable of communicating [viewpoints] in an incredibly efficient manner through the use of complex linguistic techniques and the simultaneous conscious use of multiple mediums; I theorize that a human who achieved comprehension of the contents of this report could relate the entirety of it to another member of his species in under [5.28 hours]. While their [false] technology is primitive, human society appears to be advancing it at an exponential rate.

This report shall be accompanied by all acquired data, as is my duty. I await renewed enlightenment through the all-comprehending council's forthcoming conclusions.


Inferior observer,

"The council of saints declares that humans may potentially be capable of independently achieving interstellar travel and influencing the development of other species, which means they may be [infant gods] whose society possesses [perfect purity of truth]. All preparations for humanity's enlightening enslavement are [heretical] and must cease immediately. [Religious authorities] are committing suicide to [serve penance] in your place, so that you might study human society to the absolute fullness of your potential.

You may well be recording our new [gospel]. Do not falter, and do not interfere with the development of humanity at any cost. A delegation of [high priests] shall arrive to assume leadership of your project and augment its capabilities in [168.7 years]."

This is the council's word.


Anonymous said...

That's some pretty awesome stuff. I wonder what the first contact would be like.

Anonymous said...